Dear Problem,
Would you be so kind
as to take a step back, look in the mirror and regard yourself for what you
truly are?
Beneath your façade
of protection and comfort can be found a layer of lies, and through your veneer
of friendship shines an aura of contempt.
You have misguided
me for God knows how long - only you can tell when I first fell into your
mammoth trap - whether it was three years ago, or ten. Was my anxiousness about
trains, planes and petrol stations and my obsession with order as a child a
misinterpreted forewarning of your gloomy arrival?
Yet although I know
all of this, I still can't seem to shake you off. After at least eighteen
months of being fully in your grasp I am at last beginning to find the chinks
in your armour, although were it not for
the others rallying around me I feel that I should still be cocooned with you
in our own cotton wool padded world of ignorance.
I get the feeling
that you have been loitering in the
background of my life for so long, casting your incantations and spells, that I
will never be able to fully shake you off. Will your rules and guidelines
always plague me, niggling away at the back of my mind - an unwanted reminder
of an unhappy past?
I hope with all of
my might that this will not be the case, for I want to lead a happy life, free
of lies. I understand that there will always be problems with weight and body
image associated with the female kind, but I will do my best to only look back
at you as a victor does, reflecting on a past triumph - the time I overpowered
the eating disorder! The time I burst free of my oppressor and grabbed the bull
by the horns.
Now, have I helped
you to see what I see? What the others around me see in you? Have I given you
something to think about? Knocked your confidence? Taken away the spring in
your step?
I hope so,
G x
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